Thursday 17 September 2009
Monday 14 September 2009
Control.
So, my last post, what a talking point, not. Plus side, yeah that was the day i decided to take control of my life. And im happy (Finally). And guess who passed her chemistry test.
Sunday 6 September 2009
Update.
Just thought i'd update you all.
Basically my life sucks. In the summer i went through a period of feeling suicidal, im over it now.
And now my counselor thinks i should go to the doctor because guess what, she has suspicions that i have depression. I know FML.
So yeah, not good, and i should be learign chemistry because i have an important test tomorrow, which i know im going to fail. joy.
Basically my life sucks. In the summer i went through a period of feeling suicidal, im over it now.
And now my counselor thinks i should go to the doctor because guess what, she has suspicions that i have depression. I know FML.
So yeah, not good, and i should be learign chemistry because i have an important test tomorrow, which i know im going to fail. joy.
Popcorn.
So here are some lyrics I just wrote because I've been getting bullied recently. And some girl said 'Ooh wheres the popcorn' when i started crying on the bus.
I can’t take it
I can’t face it
I just don’t understand why it had to be
Me
Lay off
Face off
I don’t need any of it
Cover up
Mother fuck
Why can’t you get out of my life?
I don’t need you
Any of you
Get out
Get away
Gather around
I'm going to break down
Don’t you just love it?
Grab the popcorn
Drip
Drop
Falling
Into place
Or not
I'm just saving
Fucking FACE!
I don’t need you
Any of you
Get out
Get away
Gather around
I'm going to break down
Don’t you just love it?
Grab the popcorn
Go on
Just fucking grab it!
I DONT GIVE A SHIT
No... NO...
NO!
I don’t need you
Any of you
Get out
Get away
Gather around
I'm going to break down
Don’t you just love it?
Grab the popcorn
Friday 17 July 2009
Strange Week.
What a very strange week this has been.
Sunday: My second day of work in a row. Also the night I had yet another breakdown. I just felt like no one apart from the people I talk to on the internet and my best friend actually care enough about me to ask if I'm okay. Because I care enough to ask them. And I'm fed up with everyone confiding in me, and not having anyone apart from people who are obligated for me to confide in. But one of my amazing internet friends made me realise that if they don't care about me, they don't matter. And that the people who I'm really bothered about do actually care.
Monday: I was called in to work. I really fucking hate the people I work with. They're all slackers, and my parents can't fire them because they don't have the staff to cover them. I am the most reliable meber of staff, because in the three years I've worked there, I've had one sick day. And that was when I had to get sent home. I worked when I had a burst ear drum and an ear infection.
Tuesday: Breakdown number 2 of this week. Nothing started it, and there was no reason for it. I just felt extremely low. I hate feeling like that. I just want this bitch of a thing called depression to be gone. Yet again, my internet friends came to the rescue. I love how they care about me t be worried about me, and they've never met me. So I phoned one of them at 12 at night, crying. Yes, I said crying. I know, I never cry, but I was just a breaking point. Within ten minutes she had me laughing again.
Wednesday: Mum had a tyrade at dad. She stormed out the house, and Dad had no idea where she went. I felt like it was all my fault. I know it wasn't but, I just felt like that.
Thursday: Not much happened. But I did arrange to meet up with my best friend. I can't wait because I miss her so much already. Then I tried to convince internet friend how much I care for her. I think she accepted it.
Today: So far, I have booked tickets to see All Time Low in Glasgow, but I don't even know if I can go. I've just twisted my ankle and it fucking hurts. And I have work tonight, I don't know what else this day is going to bring.
Sunday: My second day of work in a row. Also the night I had yet another breakdown. I just felt like no one apart from the people I talk to on the internet and my best friend actually care enough about me to ask if I'm okay. Because I care enough to ask them. And I'm fed up with everyone confiding in me, and not having anyone apart from people who are obligated for me to confide in. But one of my amazing internet friends made me realise that if they don't care about me, they don't matter. And that the people who I'm really bothered about do actually care.
Monday: I was called in to work. I really fucking hate the people I work with. They're all slackers, and my parents can't fire them because they don't have the staff to cover them. I am the most reliable meber of staff, because in the three years I've worked there, I've had one sick day. And that was when I had to get sent home. I worked when I had a burst ear drum and an ear infection.
Tuesday: Breakdown number 2 of this week. Nothing started it, and there was no reason for it. I just felt extremely low. I hate feeling like that. I just want this bitch of a thing called depression to be gone. Yet again, my internet friends came to the rescue. I love how they care about me t be worried about me, and they've never met me. So I phoned one of them at 12 at night, crying. Yes, I said crying. I know, I never cry, but I was just a breaking point. Within ten minutes she had me laughing again.
Wednesday: Mum had a tyrade at dad. She stormed out the house, and Dad had no idea where she went. I felt like it was all my fault. I know it wasn't but, I just felt like that.
Thursday: Not much happened. But I did arrange to meet up with my best friend. I can't wait because I miss her so much already. Then I tried to convince internet friend how much I care for her. I think she accepted it.
Today: So far, I have booked tickets to see All Time Low in Glasgow, but I don't even know if I can go. I've just twisted my ankle and it fucking hurts. And I have work tonight, I don't know what else this day is going to bring.
Saturday 6 June 2009
Copy Cat.
I just realised why I self harm the way I do, or did, as I havent in about two months.
I'm a copycat harmer.
I didnt do it because I saw someone else do it and thought, "oh thats a good idea". I did it after seeing someone do it months before. I thought 'how can I make this feeling go away?' I could have taken a knife to my wrist - not really, because we dont have sharp knives or razors in my house - or pinched myself or something else. But because I saw one of my friends do it - for different reasons to me - months prior, I immediately thought of that.
I'm a copycat harmer.
I didnt do it because I saw someone else do it and thought, "oh thats a good idea". I did it after seeing someone do it months before. I thought 'how can I make this feeling go away?' I could have taken a knife to my wrist - not really, because we dont have sharp knives or razors in my house - or pinched myself or something else. But because I saw one of my friends do it - for different reasons to me - months prior, I immediately thought of that.
Tuesday 19 May 2009
Feeling Bad.
I'm fed up. I'm actually so fucking fed up with this stupid depression or whatever it is. I want my life back. I don't want to be controlled by this bitch of a thing.
I found out today that my best friend can't handle being with me at the moment. I don't blame her, I wouldn't be able to handle being around me at the moment. I really don't blame her because I'm so fucking depressed that I hardly laugh anymore. I still did that in December. We have exams at the moment and she has pressured herself so much. If you threw me in there she wouldn't be able to handle it. And you know why that is? Because my depression is fucking contagious.
That's right, I said contagious.
I bet you're thinking now 'Depression isn't contagious'. But that's where you're wrong. It is contagious, because I learned today that when people hang out with me, they end up feeling my fucking pain. I hate that. I don't want people to feel bad because of me. It's my fucking pain, not theirs, so why should they have to take the burden? Why do they have to go through the shit that I'm going through, just because they made the stupid decision to be friends with me? I don't want people to not want to hang out me because they'll fell bad.
I was crying when i found that out. Not because it hurt me, but because it made me realise that I'm a complete bitch. I know it's not my fault that I do that. But I feel guilty for making my friends feel bad. I don't like making my friends feel bad. They're the only things a have when I feel like I'm falling apart.
Today I caught myself with my arms crossed across my stomach. yeah, people do that all the time. I only normally do it when I'm cold or nervous. I was neither when I did this. I did it because I was trying to stop myself falling apart. Sounds stupid, I know, but it works. Well, it doesn't stop me falling apart, but it helps me feel slightly like nothing can touch me.
And as to that guy, I really couldn't give a shit about him anymore.
I found out today that my best friend can't handle being with me at the moment. I don't blame her, I wouldn't be able to handle being around me at the moment. I really don't blame her because I'm so fucking depressed that I hardly laugh anymore. I still did that in December. We have exams at the moment and she has pressured herself so much. If you threw me in there she wouldn't be able to handle it. And you know why that is? Because my depression is fucking contagious.
That's right, I said contagious.
I bet you're thinking now 'Depression isn't contagious'. But that's where you're wrong. It is contagious, because I learned today that when people hang out with me, they end up feeling my fucking pain. I hate that. I don't want people to feel bad because of me. It's my fucking pain, not theirs, so why should they have to take the burden? Why do they have to go through the shit that I'm going through, just because they made the stupid decision to be friends with me? I don't want people to not want to hang out me because they'll fell bad.
I was crying when i found that out. Not because it hurt me, but because it made me realise that I'm a complete bitch. I know it's not my fault that I do that. But I feel guilty for making my friends feel bad. I don't like making my friends feel bad. They're the only things a have when I feel like I'm falling apart.
Today I caught myself with my arms crossed across my stomach. yeah, people do that all the time. I only normally do it when I'm cold or nervous. I was neither when I did this. I did it because I was trying to stop myself falling apart. Sounds stupid, I know, but it works. Well, it doesn't stop me falling apart, but it helps me feel slightly like nothing can touch me.
And as to that guy, I really couldn't give a shit about him anymore.
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