Physical Education.

Not going to be much today, as I'm not really upset or anything.

My topic for today is the wonderful - note the sarcasm - thing called Physical Education. I'm not going to rant about how much I hate it; I could go on for hours about that. Nope what I'm going to talk about, is the fact that I have to wear short sleeves for P.E.

I was kind of scared of what people would say. I was panicking after I had done what I did. i didn't want people to say anything; which is quite understandable. It was typical that I still had scabs today, so they were pretty obvious. The funny thing was, that I woke up this morning, not really giving a shit about it. I just thought that it's a part of who I am, and if people don't like it, well they can stick it. I don't want people around me, who judge me. So, I decided that I wouldn't lie if someone questioned me about it.

I didn't really need to worry about it though because no one actually asked me about them, so I was basically let off the hook. People are pretty oblivious these days.

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Relapses and That First Wave.

Was a bad day today. Extremely bad day today. I Feel like crying from how bad it was. I did something stupid last night, and now I'm really annoyed that I did it. Thing is though, whenever I do what I did, I know the next day is going to be even worse.

Last night, I self-harmed.The fifth and sixth time Ive done it. I don't slit my wrists; I scratch myself. It's kind of worse than slitting your wrists because the pain in that only lasts for a short amount of time, whereas when you scratch yourself, it lasts for about three days. I don't even know why I did it, I just felt very low, and I hurt myself when I'm like that. I hurt myself to see if I'm still alive. To see if I'm numb on the outside as well as the inside.

The funny thing is though, when I do it, I feel completely at peace for the few seconds I do it. Then when I'm finished and all I feel is pain in my arm; nothing else. To me, that pain is soothing, its a constant reminder that no matter how bad I feel I'm still there. It gives me a focus point for my emotions.

When I'm at a point like this, I don't really feel anything. I'm just completely numb. Things don't phase me as much. I don't even know why I'm like this. I don't even know what I'm like. I have no idea how I feel, I just know that I feel like shit. I feel like there isn't any point in anything. Life, to me, is pointless. I know I sound suicidal. I'm not, or I don't think I am. I couldn't really do that; not because I don't want to end my life - sometimes I do - but I couldn't do that to my parents. They've already lost three kids, they cant lose another. I'm not that selfish.

I really hate feeling like this, because I have no idea why I do. It hits me in waves. This would be the fourth wave. I just want it to stop completely. I want to be a normal teenager, not a depressed one. I don't want to worry about how I'm going to feel when I get home and if I'm going to do something I regret; I want to worry about what the future holds for me. I want to be worried about guys, when really I'm not. That guy I like knows I like him. I don't know how he knows, but he knows. When I found out, I was just like "Really? Why doesn't that do anything to me?" I don't cry. I want to. But I just become extremely down.

The first wave was back in May last year. What set it off was when iIasked out the guy I liked. I know I said I didn't care about guys, but he was a kind of special case. I'd liked him for two years and he was a really good friend. That was only a small blow to me, I wasn't that upset about it, but it was enough to send me completely over the edge. That night I hurt myself for the first time. I think it was just an extremely bad time. I don't even know what was wrong with me, but I know there was a million and one things which pushed me towards it. I was feeling pressured in school, I was confused about my friends, and I missed my sister an awful lot. I don't think I ever grieved her fully. I guess it's just going to be there for ages so I'll always have to be careful about how things happen around me. That thing with the guy was just icing on the cake.

I had to do something about it; I didn't want to feel so awful. So I focused my emotions into one spot, letting out all my anger and my pain.

And that was just the first wave.

Friends and More Than Friends.

I don't really know what to say about today. I guess it was a good day because I was laughing a lot and i had my friend back at lunch with me. I also flirted with the guy I like, in French - and I mean the subject not the language. But now, I guess I feel slightly melancholic.

I mean, I actually felt good in school for once, I felt actually happy. Well, not happy because I don't believe it exists, not truly. But I felt like I did before all the stuff that happened to make me feel completely awful. But that's another story.

It felt great to see all my friends so much, because I missed them. I missed them so much because I felt so lonely in the holidays. I guess that comes from my parents not having enough time with me because the business was so busy and that I'm an only child. But it's stuff like that which makes me realise how much my friends mean to me. They may not fully get me, I think there's only one person who does but she lives in another country and I've never met her, but they're always there for me; no matter how stupid the reason is that I feel bad. And I guess they're pretty special. I really don't give them enough credit.

I also realised how much I like that guy. I thought it was just a small crush before the holidays; now I feel like I'm in over my head. I don't even know why I like him. He isn't exactly the most gorgeous guy and he isn't particularly smart. There's just something about him. He makes me laugh and he's really sweet. For the first time, I feel like he notices me as a person of the opposite sex, and not just a friend. But I know he'll never see me as girlfriend material. I don't really want a boyfriend right now, I'm under enough pressure as it is.

It's not like my friends or any one's pressuring me to get a boyfriend. I just feel abnormal that I don't have one. I never have had one. I'm 15 and I haven't even been kissed. But I guess I'll just have to wait. Someday my prince will come, ha ha. How cliche can you get? And I think another reason is that I'm trying to fill the hole that I feel and I realise that a boyfriend won't fill it, but I want to try everything. There's only one person who can fix that hole, my sister, and she died 8 years ago.

But back to that guy. He makes me feel so happy when I'm around him, most of the time we're taking the piss out of our teacher, but its fun. And the way he makes me feel is ridiculous. Seriously, today I drew some hearts on my work and I gave him my work to mark, and he filled in those hearts. I mean it was a silly thing, but it just made me feel happy. He probably didn't even think it would mean anything; but i guess it did. I'm going to cherish that work forever. I feel like a ten-year-old; it's ridiculous. Also we kept looking at each other and grinning cheesily. I just felt so ecstatic. He doesn't even notice that he makes my heart soar like that. My friends said I was flirting really badly though. What do they expect me to do? Sit in a corner and pretend I don't exist, or actually get out there and make him see me?

I guess I'm just going to have to flirt and wait until he sees me.

School.

So, I will be facing the joys of school again tomorrow. It really annoys me, because it isn't just American school who have cliques, everywhere has them. My school has them, only about 2, but they're still there. There's the populars, they all smoke, the girls all look like hookers, the guys have huge egos, and they've all 'gone out' with each other. And then there's the indie band type people, who basically They've all gone out with each other too. And then you have the people who don't have a clique, they just float around. That's me, I spend break with the indie dudes, or I used to, before my friend broke up with her boyfriend who is the front man of 'Horizon'. Now I have no idea what's going to happen tomorrow. At lunch, I just hang with my two best friends, which will now be three. I don't really have a group, I'm friends with everyone.

Half my year are populars though, and it really pisses me off how self-obsessed they are. They all talk about getting drunk at weekends and the parties they have. All I can think is that none of that is going to help them later on in life. You can't drunk every weekend, because when you're older you have a responsibility, you can't have parties all the time because, most likely, you won't have the money, and a ten centimetre foundation layer isn't going to get you anywhere. They don't realise that in three weeks, we have exams that could either make you or break you because they are the most important exams in the Scottish school system.

Everyone is focused on relationship status. That's not what's important now. They'll probably end up with someone completely different to anyone they ever went out with in high school. The only relationships that will actually kind of matter in high school are the ones that last for over a year, and there's more relationships that last a day than a year.

So, really, I may need school, but I don't want to be around the constant pressure.

My First Post.

My friends say that blogs are extremely geeky, but I don't think they are. I decided to make my own because I guess it's my of working out how I'm feeling. I've seen a counsellor, but she wasn't what I wanted, she just asked how I was feeling and how to stop feeling like that. She didn't help me understand how i was feeling and why I was feeling.

I also decided to write this so that if anyone feels like me, that there's someone to relate to. I don't really have someone like that in my life, so I thought that, because I feel like I need someone to relate to, if someone else was in my place they would be happy to find this blog.

I'm not going to go into any details in this first post, I just wanted to have a slightly good opening. It probably isn't though.