Oops.

Yeah, i didnt mean to make it seem like it was my last post, because it definitely isn't.

Control.

So, my last post, what a talking point, not. Plus side, yeah that was the day i decided to take control of my life. And im happy (Finally). And guess who passed her chemistry test.

Update.

Just thought i'd update you all.

Basically my life sucks. In the summer i went through a period of feeling suicidal, im over it now.

And now my counselor thinks i should go to the doctor because guess what, she has suspicions that i have depression. I know FML.

So yeah, not good, and i should be learign chemistry because i have an important test tomorrow, which i know im going to fail. joy.

Popcorn.

So here are some lyrics I just wrote because I've been getting bullied recently. And some girl said 'Ooh wheres the popcorn' when i started crying on the bus.

I can’t take it

I can’t face it

I just don’t understand why it had to be

Me

Lay off

Face off

I don’t need any of it

Cover up

Mother fuck

Why can’t you get out of my life?

I don’t need you

Any of you

Get out

Get away

Gather around

I'm going to break down

Don’t you just love it?

Grab the popcorn

Drip

Drop

Falling

Into place

Or not

I'm just saving

Fucking FACE!

I don’t need you

Any of you

Get out

Get away

Gather around

I'm going to break down

Don’t you just love it?

Grab the popcorn

Go on

Just fucking grab it!

I DONT GIVE A SHIT

No... NO...

NO!

I don’t need you

Any of you

Get out

Get away

Gather around

I'm going to break down

Don’t you just love it?

Grab the popcorn

Doesn't really have a rhythm or nothing, just how I'm feeling.

Strange Week.

What a very strange week this has been.

Sunday: My second day of work in a row. Also the night I had yet another breakdown. I just felt like no one apart from the people I talk to on the internet and my best friend actually care enough about me to ask if I'm okay. Because I care enough to ask them. And I'm fed up with everyone confiding in me, and not having anyone apart from people who are obligated for me to confide in. But one of my amazing internet friends made me realise that if they don't care about me, they don't matter. And that the people who I'm really bothered about do actually care.

Monday: I was called in to work. I really fucking hate the people I work with. They're all slackers, and my parents can't fire them because they don't have the staff to cover them. I am the most reliable meber of staff, because in the three years I've worked there, I've had one sick day. And that was when I had to get sent home. I worked when I had a burst ear drum and an ear infection.

Tuesday: Breakdown number 2 of this week. Nothing started it, and there was no reason for it. I just felt extremely low. I hate feeling like that. I just want this bitch of a thing called depression to be gone. Yet again, my internet friends came to the rescue. I love how they care about me t be worried about me, and they've never met me. So I phoned one of them at 12 at night, crying. Yes, I said crying. I know, I never cry, but I was just a breaking point. Within ten minutes she had me laughing again.

Wednesday: Mum had a tyrade at dad. She stormed out the house, and Dad had no idea where she went. I felt like it was all my fault. I know it wasn't but, I just felt like that.

Thursday: Not much happened. But I did arrange to meet up with my best friend. I can't wait because I miss her so much already. Then I tried to convince internet friend how much I care for her. I think she accepted it.

Today: So far, I have booked tickets to see All Time Low in Glasgow, but I don't even know if I can go. I've just twisted my ankle and it fucking hurts. And I have work tonight, I don't know what else this day is going to bring.

Copy Cat.

I just realised why I self harm the way I do, or did, as I havent in about two months.

I'm a copycat harmer.

I didnt do it because I saw someone else do it and thought, "oh thats a good idea". I did it after seeing someone do it months before. I thought 'how can I make this feeling go away?' I could have taken a knife to my wrist - not really, because we dont have sharp knives or razors in my house - or pinched myself or something else. But because I saw one of my friends do it - for different reasons to me - months prior, I immediately thought of that.

Feeling Bad.

I'm fed up. I'm actually so fucking fed up with this stupid depression or whatever it is. I want my life back. I don't want to be controlled by this bitch of a thing.

I found out today that my best friend can't handle being with me at the moment. I don't blame her, I wouldn't be able to handle being around me at the moment. I really don't blame her because I'm so fucking depressed that I hardly laugh anymore. I still did that in December. We have exams at the moment and she has pressured herself so much. If you threw me in there she wouldn't be able to handle it. And you know why that is? Because my depression is fucking contagious.

That's right, I said contagious.

I bet you're thinking now 'Depression isn't contagious'. But that's where you're wrong. It is contagious, because I learned today that when people hang out with me, they end up feeling my fucking pain. I hate that. I don't want people to feel bad because of me. It's my fucking pain, not theirs, so why should they have to take the burden? Why do they have to go through the shit that I'm going through, just because they made the stupid decision to be friends with me? I don't want people to not want to hang out me because they'll fell bad.

I was crying when i found that out. Not because it hurt me, but because it made me realise that I'm a complete bitch. I know it's not my fault that I do that. But I feel guilty for making my friends feel bad. I don't like making my friends feel bad. They're the only things a have when I feel like I'm falling apart.

Today I caught myself with my arms crossed across my stomach. yeah, people do that all the time. I only normally do it when I'm cold or nervous. I was neither when I did this. I did it because I was trying to stop myself falling apart. Sounds stupid, I know, but it works. Well, it doesn't stop me falling apart, but it helps me feel slightly like nothing can touch me.

And as to that guy, I really couldn't give a shit about him anymore.

Guess what?

I found out that he isn't as perfect as I thought.

He's a complete bastard.

Finally.

For the first time since December.

I cried today.

Lyrics.

Don't you get it?
You're hurting me.
Don't you sweat it.
Don't you worry 'bout me.
I am insignificant.
I'm not really relevant.

Jealousy and the Psycho Bitch Ex.

Bad day. Bad, bad day. It started off alright, as I was pissing about the town with some of my mates. Having a break from revising. The it started to go downhill after... around 11.

I'm on study leave at the moment. So we all hang about in the library 'revising', when really, we're gossiping. Been spending my time with him, a bit recently, well, only yesterday really. He knows that I like him, as he read this and then I confirmed it on Tuesday night when I had a case of type vomit on msn. But the thing today was that he spent most of his fucking time with his psycho bitch of an ex.

Thing is, he says he doesnt like her. So why does he fucking tolerate her. She's a complete psycho. I mean she's gone out with him three times, can't she damn well leave him alone?

I'm pretty sure he'll be reading this. If he is, well, I don't blame you, or anything. She imposes herself on you.

There's four things I wish:

I wish he liked me back.
I wish he would stop hanging about with that psycho because she's a bad influence on him.
I wish I had the guts to talk to him in person.
I wish I had to guts to hug him.

Physical Education.

Not going to be much today, as I'm not really upset or anything.

My topic for today is the wonderful - note the sarcasm - thing called Physical Education. I'm not going to rant about how much I hate it; I could go on for hours about that. Nope what I'm going to talk about, is the fact that I have to wear short sleeves for P.E.

I was kind of scared of what people would say. I was panicking after I had done what I did. i didn't want people to say anything; which is quite understandable. It was typical that I still had scabs today, so they were pretty obvious. The funny thing was, that I woke up this morning, not really giving a shit about it. I just thought that it's a part of who I am, and if people don't like it, well they can stick it. I don't want people around me, who judge me. So, I decided that I wouldn't lie if someone questioned me about it.

I didn't really need to worry about it though because no one actually asked me about them, so I was basically let off the hook. People are pretty oblivious these days.

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Now playing: Flyleaf - I'm So Sick
via FoxyTunes

Relapses and That First Wave.

Was a bad day today. Extremely bad day today. I Feel like crying from how bad it was. I did something stupid last night, and now I'm really annoyed that I did it. Thing is though, whenever I do what I did, I know the next day is going to be even worse.

Last night, I self-harmed.The fifth and sixth time Ive done it. I don't slit my wrists; I scratch myself. It's kind of worse than slitting your wrists because the pain in that only lasts for a short amount of time, whereas when you scratch yourself, it lasts for about three days. I don't even know why I did it, I just felt very low, and I hurt myself when I'm like that. I hurt myself to see if I'm still alive. To see if I'm numb on the outside as well as the inside.

The funny thing is though, when I do it, I feel completely at peace for the few seconds I do it. Then when I'm finished and all I feel is pain in my arm; nothing else. To me, that pain is soothing, its a constant reminder that no matter how bad I feel I'm still there. It gives me a focus point for my emotions.

When I'm at a point like this, I don't really feel anything. I'm just completely numb. Things don't phase me as much. I don't even know why I'm like this. I don't even know what I'm like. I have no idea how I feel, I just know that I feel like shit. I feel like there isn't any point in anything. Life, to me, is pointless. I know I sound suicidal. I'm not, or I don't think I am. I couldn't really do that; not because I don't want to end my life - sometimes I do - but I couldn't do that to my parents. They've already lost three kids, they cant lose another. I'm not that selfish.

I really hate feeling like this, because I have no idea why I do. It hits me in waves. This would be the fourth wave. I just want it to stop completely. I want to be a normal teenager, not a depressed one. I don't want to worry about how I'm going to feel when I get home and if I'm going to do something I regret; I want to worry about what the future holds for me. I want to be worried about guys, when really I'm not. That guy I like knows I like him. I don't know how he knows, but he knows. When I found out, I was just like "Really? Why doesn't that do anything to me?" I don't cry. I want to. But I just become extremely down.

The first wave was back in May last year. What set it off was when iIasked out the guy I liked. I know I said I didn't care about guys, but he was a kind of special case. I'd liked him for two years and he was a really good friend. That was only a small blow to me, I wasn't that upset about it, but it was enough to send me completely over the edge. That night I hurt myself for the first time. I think it was just an extremely bad time. I don't even know what was wrong with me, but I know there was a million and one things which pushed me towards it. I was feeling pressured in school, I was confused about my friends, and I missed my sister an awful lot. I don't think I ever grieved her fully. I guess it's just going to be there for ages so I'll always have to be careful about how things happen around me. That thing with the guy was just icing on the cake.

I had to do something about it; I didn't want to feel so awful. So I focused my emotions into one spot, letting out all my anger and my pain.

And that was just the first wave.

Friends and More Than Friends.

I don't really know what to say about today. I guess it was a good day because I was laughing a lot and i had my friend back at lunch with me. I also flirted with the guy I like, in French - and I mean the subject not the language. But now, I guess I feel slightly melancholic.

I mean, I actually felt good in school for once, I felt actually happy. Well, not happy because I don't believe it exists, not truly. But I felt like I did before all the stuff that happened to make me feel completely awful. But that's another story.

It felt great to see all my friends so much, because I missed them. I missed them so much because I felt so lonely in the holidays. I guess that comes from my parents not having enough time with me because the business was so busy and that I'm an only child. But it's stuff like that which makes me realise how much my friends mean to me. They may not fully get me, I think there's only one person who does but she lives in another country and I've never met her, but they're always there for me; no matter how stupid the reason is that I feel bad. And I guess they're pretty special. I really don't give them enough credit.

I also realised how much I like that guy. I thought it was just a small crush before the holidays; now I feel like I'm in over my head. I don't even know why I like him. He isn't exactly the most gorgeous guy and he isn't particularly smart. There's just something about him. He makes me laugh and he's really sweet. For the first time, I feel like he notices me as a person of the opposite sex, and not just a friend. But I know he'll never see me as girlfriend material. I don't really want a boyfriend right now, I'm under enough pressure as it is.

It's not like my friends or any one's pressuring me to get a boyfriend. I just feel abnormal that I don't have one. I never have had one. I'm 15 and I haven't even been kissed. But I guess I'll just have to wait. Someday my prince will come, ha ha. How cliche can you get? And I think another reason is that I'm trying to fill the hole that I feel and I realise that a boyfriend won't fill it, but I want to try everything. There's only one person who can fix that hole, my sister, and she died 8 years ago.

But back to that guy. He makes me feel so happy when I'm around him, most of the time we're taking the piss out of our teacher, but its fun. And the way he makes me feel is ridiculous. Seriously, today I drew some hearts on my work and I gave him my work to mark, and he filled in those hearts. I mean it was a silly thing, but it just made me feel happy. He probably didn't even think it would mean anything; but i guess it did. I'm going to cherish that work forever. I feel like a ten-year-old; it's ridiculous. Also we kept looking at each other and grinning cheesily. I just felt so ecstatic. He doesn't even notice that he makes my heart soar like that. My friends said I was flirting really badly though. What do they expect me to do? Sit in a corner and pretend I don't exist, or actually get out there and make him see me?

I guess I'm just going to have to flirt and wait until he sees me.

School.

So, I will be facing the joys of school again tomorrow. It really annoys me, because it isn't just American school who have cliques, everywhere has them. My school has them, only about 2, but they're still there. There's the populars, they all smoke, the girls all look like hookers, the guys have huge egos, and they've all 'gone out' with each other. And then there's the indie band type people, who basically They've all gone out with each other too. And then you have the people who don't have a clique, they just float around. That's me, I spend break with the indie dudes, or I used to, before my friend broke up with her boyfriend who is the front man of 'Horizon'. Now I have no idea what's going to happen tomorrow. At lunch, I just hang with my two best friends, which will now be three. I don't really have a group, I'm friends with everyone.

Half my year are populars though, and it really pisses me off how self-obsessed they are. They all talk about getting drunk at weekends and the parties they have. All I can think is that none of that is going to help them later on in life. You can't drunk every weekend, because when you're older you have a responsibility, you can't have parties all the time because, most likely, you won't have the money, and a ten centimetre foundation layer isn't going to get you anywhere. They don't realise that in three weeks, we have exams that could either make you or break you because they are the most important exams in the Scottish school system.

Everyone is focused on relationship status. That's not what's important now. They'll probably end up with someone completely different to anyone they ever went out with in high school. The only relationships that will actually kind of matter in high school are the ones that last for over a year, and there's more relationships that last a day than a year.

So, really, I may need school, but I don't want to be around the constant pressure.

My First Post.

My friends say that blogs are extremely geeky, but I don't think they are. I decided to make my own because I guess it's my of working out how I'm feeling. I've seen a counsellor, but she wasn't what I wanted, she just asked how I was feeling and how to stop feeling like that. She didn't help me understand how i was feeling and why I was feeling.

I also decided to write this so that if anyone feels like me, that there's someone to relate to. I don't really have someone like that in my life, so I thought that, because I feel like I need someone to relate to, if someone else was in my place they would be happy to find this blog.

I'm not going to go into any details in this first post, I just wanted to have a slightly good opening. It probably isn't though.