Feeling Bad.

I'm fed up. I'm actually so fucking fed up with this stupid depression or whatever it is. I want my life back. I don't want to be controlled by this bitch of a thing.

I found out today that my best friend can't handle being with me at the moment. I don't blame her, I wouldn't be able to handle being around me at the moment. I really don't blame her because I'm so fucking depressed that I hardly laugh anymore. I still did that in December. We have exams at the moment and she has pressured herself so much. If you threw me in there she wouldn't be able to handle it. And you know why that is? Because my depression is fucking contagious.

That's right, I said contagious.

I bet you're thinking now 'Depression isn't contagious'. But that's where you're wrong. It is contagious, because I learned today that when people hang out with me, they end up feeling my fucking pain. I hate that. I don't want people to feel bad because of me. It's my fucking pain, not theirs, so why should they have to take the burden? Why do they have to go through the shit that I'm going through, just because they made the stupid decision to be friends with me? I don't want people to not want to hang out me because they'll fell bad.

I was crying when i found that out. Not because it hurt me, but because it made me realise that I'm a complete bitch. I know it's not my fault that I do that. But I feel guilty for making my friends feel bad. I don't like making my friends feel bad. They're the only things a have when I feel like I'm falling apart.

Today I caught myself with my arms crossed across my stomach. yeah, people do that all the time. I only normally do it when I'm cold or nervous. I was neither when I did this. I did it because I was trying to stop myself falling apart. Sounds stupid, I know, but it works. Well, it doesn't stop me falling apart, but it helps me feel slightly like nothing can touch me.

And as to that guy, I really couldn't give a shit about him anymore.