Friends and More Than Friends.

I don't really know what to say about today. I guess it was a good day because I was laughing a lot and i had my friend back at lunch with me. I also flirted with the guy I like, in French - and I mean the subject not the language. But now, I guess I feel slightly melancholic.

I mean, I actually felt good in school for once, I felt actually happy. Well, not happy because I don't believe it exists, not truly. But I felt like I did before all the stuff that happened to make me feel completely awful. But that's another story.

It felt great to see all my friends so much, because I missed them. I missed them so much because I felt so lonely in the holidays. I guess that comes from my parents not having enough time with me because the business was so busy and that I'm an only child. But it's stuff like that which makes me realise how much my friends mean to me. They may not fully get me, I think there's only one person who does but she lives in another country and I've never met her, but they're always there for me; no matter how stupid the reason is that I feel bad. And I guess they're pretty special. I really don't give them enough credit.

I also realised how much I like that guy. I thought it was just a small crush before the holidays; now I feel like I'm in over my head. I don't even know why I like him. He isn't exactly the most gorgeous guy and he isn't particularly smart. There's just something about him. He makes me laugh and he's really sweet. For the first time, I feel like he notices me as a person of the opposite sex, and not just a friend. But I know he'll never see me as girlfriend material. I don't really want a boyfriend right now, I'm under enough pressure as it is.

It's not like my friends or any one's pressuring me to get a boyfriend. I just feel abnormal that I don't have one. I never have had one. I'm 15 and I haven't even been kissed. But I guess I'll just have to wait. Someday my prince will come, ha ha. How cliche can you get? And I think another reason is that I'm trying to fill the hole that I feel and I realise that a boyfriend won't fill it, but I want to try everything. There's only one person who can fix that hole, my sister, and she died 8 years ago.

But back to that guy. He makes me feel so happy when I'm around him, most of the time we're taking the piss out of our teacher, but its fun. And the way he makes me feel is ridiculous. Seriously, today I drew some hearts on my work and I gave him my work to mark, and he filled in those hearts. I mean it was a silly thing, but it just made me feel happy. He probably didn't even think it would mean anything; but i guess it did. I'm going to cherish that work forever. I feel like a ten-year-old; it's ridiculous. Also we kept looking at each other and grinning cheesily. I just felt so ecstatic. He doesn't even notice that he makes my heart soar like that. My friends said I was flirting really badly though. What do they expect me to do? Sit in a corner and pretend I don't exist, or actually get out there and make him see me?

I guess I'm just going to have to flirt and wait until he sees me.