Relapses and That First Wave.

Was a bad day today. Extremely bad day today. I Feel like crying from how bad it was. I did something stupid last night, and now I'm really annoyed that I did it. Thing is though, whenever I do what I did, I know the next day is going to be even worse.

Last night, I self-harmed.The fifth and sixth time Ive done it. I don't slit my wrists; I scratch myself. It's kind of worse than slitting your wrists because the pain in that only lasts for a short amount of time, whereas when you scratch yourself, it lasts for about three days. I don't even know why I did it, I just felt very low, and I hurt myself when I'm like that. I hurt myself to see if I'm still alive. To see if I'm numb on the outside as well as the inside.

The funny thing is though, when I do it, I feel completely at peace for the few seconds I do it. Then when I'm finished and all I feel is pain in my arm; nothing else. To me, that pain is soothing, its a constant reminder that no matter how bad I feel I'm still there. It gives me a focus point for my emotions.

When I'm at a point like this, I don't really feel anything. I'm just completely numb. Things don't phase me as much. I don't even know why I'm like this. I don't even know what I'm like. I have no idea how I feel, I just know that I feel like shit. I feel like there isn't any point in anything. Life, to me, is pointless. I know I sound suicidal. I'm not, or I don't think I am. I couldn't really do that; not because I don't want to end my life - sometimes I do - but I couldn't do that to my parents. They've already lost three kids, they cant lose another. I'm not that selfish.

I really hate feeling like this, because I have no idea why I do. It hits me in waves. This would be the fourth wave. I just want it to stop completely. I want to be a normal teenager, not a depressed one. I don't want to worry about how I'm going to feel when I get home and if I'm going to do something I regret; I want to worry about what the future holds for me. I want to be worried about guys, when really I'm not. That guy I like knows I like him. I don't know how he knows, but he knows. When I found out, I was just like "Really? Why doesn't that do anything to me?" I don't cry. I want to. But I just become extremely down.

The first wave was back in May last year. What set it off was when iIasked out the guy I liked. I know I said I didn't care about guys, but he was a kind of special case. I'd liked him for two years and he was a really good friend. That was only a small blow to me, I wasn't that upset about it, but it was enough to send me completely over the edge. That night I hurt myself for the first time. I think it was just an extremely bad time. I don't even know what was wrong with me, but I know there was a million and one things which pushed me towards it. I was feeling pressured in school, I was confused about my friends, and I missed my sister an awful lot. I don't think I ever grieved her fully. I guess it's just going to be there for ages so I'll always have to be careful about how things happen around me. That thing with the guy was just icing on the cake.

I had to do something about it; I didn't want to feel so awful. So I focused my emotions into one spot, letting out all my anger and my pain.

And that was just the first wave.